Things Not To Say In An Interview

I’m shit at interviews. To be fair I’ve only ever had two in my entire life, being someone who has always worked in manual, outdoor, mostly cash-in-hand positions like yard hand, kennel hand, brash pulling for a chainsaw guy, weeding, cleaning, ragwort pulling, stone picking, .. where the interview goes something like; *talking to some random bloke in a pub/shop;

“You looking for a job?”

“Yeh”

“I know a fella with (insert species/asset) who wants someone to (insert menial/laborious/thankless task) on (insert day of the week) for (insert time period) he’ll give ya (insert amount, typically under €10 an hour).”

“Cool, ok!”

*fella writes down a number… yaddayadda.

Both my proper interviews were for my previous work-place. The first one I got, the second one I didn’t. To be fair a fella off the tele with previous head-gardener experience was always going to get it! A fella that probably didn’t say something like;

“To be fair I’d probably be relieved, like, phew, dodged a bullet there!.. laughlaughlaugh” *screen full of blank faces.. marks being awkwardly put in a box.

when asked how they’d feel if they didn’t get the position, would probably be a better candidate too! (face/desk).

Other things that still keep me awake at night are; being completely incapable of thinking of three words to describe my core values! Like, WTF! (They would have been good ones actually) and believing I had a viable chance! *literal cringe.

Suffice to say, I didn’t even get through to the second round even after having spent ten years working there! That shit takes a special kind of fuckwit!

But I’m cool with it! That was years ago now! My thirty kabillion ideas to do cool shit as a head-gardener can wait until my next time round on the planet, when I might actually get mature enough to play grown-ups… or at least get an education on how you do shit. *shrug.