The Gyardyan

Of course I’m going to over-think my appearance in The Guardian! It’s typically by the third day of a nice thing happening that the imposter syndrome, chronic lack of self confidence and self doubt creeps in. It goes something like this;

• Christ! You’re such a pleb! Being so “Go me!” all over your social media when literally nobody gives a fuck. LITERAL CRINGE. STOP SHOWING OFF.

• You shouldn’t even be on the same list as those other nurseries! It’s laughable! You made three grand last year! The business didn’t even! It’s not even!..

• You need to chalk it down to a weird thing that happened and get in your fucking box! *spanner

  Tedious isn’t it. Anyway, the fact is this has been a pretty big thing to me, I don’t need validation by influencial publications or other hort-heads, but at the same time it’s really nice to get and gives me a tiny bit of hope that I might actually be alright at something? (before telling myself to stop being such a big-headed twat).

  Today I feel stupid for feeling validation, but also feel a new drive, like some momentum has been created. This year so far I’ve had some really good feedback, support and encouragement, which is why I feel entirely frustrated that I don’t actually have the means to run with it. If only I had a nice flat acre or two I could get producing numbers, have a visitor friendly site, create an awesome destination for people, run workshops, outreach programmes with local schools, do some really nice not for profit work, provide a training space, a playing space, a failing space, just a good place to be! I have so many ideas like I did as a teenager, literally bursting with inspiration and the drive to get good shit done but zero resources to make it happen. Getting a mention in the same breath as some really awesome nursery-people is amazingly validating, but incredibly frustrating at the same time because I can’t do the work I want to do.

  So, for now I’ll stay small, shut-the-fuck-up, do what I can and hope I have an unknown relative that dies and leaves me an inheritance. If all I ever do is carry on jobbing on the side for actual food money and grow and sell lovely things to fund the growing and selling of lovely things, then that might have to be it I guess. .. or I could plan to do a landgrab somewhere… get volatile and be dragged away roaring and create an amazing prison garden and hugely successful prisoner rehabilitation programme from within.. hmmmmm… *note to self…