Help! My Entire Garden Is Dead!

Is the mating call of the millennial middle-classes. You know the ones, first time buyers of shiny new pseudo-historical build estates in leafy suburban city sprawl typically wedged in between motorway corridors and mindless office space/industrial units, some will even have a triangle of “view” of one of those southern hills from a bathroom window or something. And they have a garden!

I feel for them. I feel for the fact they’re all about to get absolutely mugged by the promise of a copy and paste designer garden made up of plants that are (I suspect) being grown by one of the vast monoculture sprayed-to-fuck corporate nurseries out there and gardens (and advice) supplied by (I suspect), some sort of AI programme and are going to be charged a shit-ton of money to be sent a load of shit in the post with plans (on good quality paper no doubt, very colourful) on how to do all the ball achey work themselves, on gardens made entirely from rubble, plaster/cement dump and builder’s piss (they might be advised to buy some topsoil/manure and get some empty rhetoric about sustainability), all to have a lovely garden for six months before watching it die as soon as it’s put under any stress.

“But my Modern Cottage Garden concept was in the sunshine! .. I don’t understandddd…!

Yet again horticulture as a skill and a profession is undermined in one fell-swoop, sold to the masses as an easy paint by numbers, purely aesthetic, short-term, summer-in-a-box. I have to admire the business concept and the neck! It’s a well worn snake-oil seller’s trick and there will ALWAYS be enough people around to buy into it for just about long enough to make a nice dob of money. Charm, charisma, beauty, bright colours, good advertising, reassuring patter, believable testimonies, chic user friendly website the odd client testimonial who it worked for and if the garden dies, well, you know people will blame themselves for not being green-fingered enough… pfffttt…

The way the world is right now? Why not absolutely fuck the general public up the arse for a bit of financial gain, why don’t you believe your own shite while you’re at it!

“Drill baby drill”.. now fuck off!