M&S
This isn’t just stupid, it’s Multiple AND Sclerosis! I haven’t written in any great depth about it, because it’s not something I feel defines me. I have it, it doesn’t have me. Apart from slightly dead feet, tingly hands, an inability to function in extreme heat and agonising pain in extremities in the cold, I’m alright.. oh and the small head-fuck that is my cognitive difficulties… which is a proper pain in the arse!
I used to be fairly sharp, finding no problem retaining information and the minutia of it. Since my one major relapse though the ability to hold the detail of information has become way harder! Depending on the day and how tired I am, it’s either there, or not. Plant names, technical terminology, names of people, important dates, pffftt.. not a hope! That hasn’t helped with my complete lack of confidence, always feeling like I could be just talking absolute bollocks and sometimes, often am. Holding new information is a mammoth task, sometimes I need to read a thing several times for the information to go in and holding it isn’t a guarantee unless I use it often. It doesn’t shout “professional” when you’re stood there reaching for plant names that have completely disappeared without trace or sometimes, worse, having the names of something else entirely take their place! You can’t really start things with a disclaimer of “I’ve got a brain injury that affects my ability to remember things good” at the start of a conversation! I’d feel as if I’d have to back it up by producing a picture of my brain scan with the big blob on it to prove I wasn’t covering my arse for just being shit at my job.. which would get weird and then make me feel like a “poor-me” merchant begging for crumbs of sympathy.
“Sure isn’t she great, going out and working anyway…”.. *eye-roll.
Anyway, here I am. I was a fuckwit to begin with, but at least one that could retain a modicum of information. Now my conversations go something like this;
“I was listening to this thing on the radio the other day, it was about the bit of the plant cell where the green stuff is and how they think it started life as one of those single celled things that can make you ill and the Eucary-thingy cell wrapped around it and now it’s like one of those man-of-war jellyfish that are made of two things.."
So, here it is, my public disclaimer. If you hire me for anything and I appear to be an absolute mess. This is probably why.. or I might just be shit at my job.. or a bit of both!..
